Recent Onion headlines:

Trapped Miner Wishes He Could See The Coverage x
Female Athletes Making Great Strides In Attractiveness x
Kerry Vows To Raise Wife's Taxes

And one "person-on-the-street" comment on the failure to renew the assault weapons ban: "When we enacted this ban in 1994, it was an important step to protect our children. Now that our children are grown up and off at college, it's not such a pressing issue."