Onion Headline of the Week:
"Terrorism "Not Likely" Cause of Fire at Local Laudromat"

Elsewhere in the issue, a healthy poke at the women's movement (of which, I should note, I'm a fan):
"Women Now Empowered By Everything a Woman Does"

And the issue's Point-Counterpoint:
Point: "No Blood For Oil"
Counterpoint: "Exactly How Much Oil Are We Talking About?"

David Letterman last week: "Richard Gephardt has announced he will enter the presidential race. Of course, Gephardt ran in 1988, but he was no match for the irresistable charisma of Michael Dukakis."